Asalaam’Alaikum! Last week, we discussed what marriage may and can mean to you. This week, we’re discussing the process of choosing a spouse.
It’s importantly firstly, to remember that you too, are someone looking to get married. How will you be perceived by an outside eye? What will your potential spouse-to-be think of you? When we remember this, we can be mindful of those that we come across. When looking for a spouse, it’s important to keep an open mind. Marriage is about negotiation and meeting in the middle (quite literally).
If you come along to one of the Personal Match UK Meet Days (all over the UK!), you’ll meet a range of personalities from a variety of backgrounds. When choosing a spouse, there are a few things to consider:
- Age: Are you a compatible age? What is the age difference? Does it matter?
- Religious views: Do you believe the same things? Do you follow a sect? Does it matter?
- Financial status: Are you self-sufficient at the moment? Do you have a job? Does it matter?
- Previous marriages/divorce: Have you been married before? Is this your second marriage? Does it matter?
- Children: Do you have any children? Do you want to have children? Does it matter?
- Future plans: What are your plans for the next five years? Where do you see yourself going with this marriage? Does it matter?
As you may have noticed, “does it matter?” is one of the reoccurring questions to ask yourself when considering a spouse. Sometimes, we get caught up in family and cultural values, and sometimes forget to form our own opinion. When choosing a spouse, it’s important to remember that you yourself too, have to know the answer to these questions.
These topics, as per the next post, will be discussed in detail. As a general overview however, these aspects of choosing a spouse will influence our decisions. Remaining considerate and non-judgemental at all times allows for honest and raw discussions to take place.
If someone, for example, is an ex-drinker or ex-smoker – we must be mindful in how we allow our opinions on such matters to come across. This can be applied to other different but relevant topics, for example the hijab and/or praying salah regularly. As Muslims, it is our duty to guide one another and not turn people against the religion. When choosing a spouse, consider how you’ve treated their past and/or any other disclosed information.
We are, nevertheless, allowed to form and hold our own viewpoints on how things should be. If you are looking for a wife who covers, or a husband who prays salah, or anything of a similar nature – then it is important to make your intentions clear and be transparent with your views. As long as they do not belittle the religion itself, or the person you are attempting to meet, you are allowed to express your opinions and views. This can alter your preferences and change the kinds of people you meet, usually making it easier to negotiate because some aspects have already been addressed.
On the topic of addressing, keep your eye out for the next post called “Age is just a number” as part of our Ramadan Collective at Personal Match UK.
May Allah guide us, soften our hearts and allow us to illuminate His religion in the most beautiful light.