Let me ask you…
What are we actually expecting to find when we meet a potential marriage partner? Also, how can one chat over coffee tell you anything about the person you’re speaking with?
Every day I work with single Muslim professionals who are looking to get married. I also provide them with coaching and support sessions. One of the topics I go through is managing expectations. This is a massive topic, but I’d like to focus on an aspect of this, specifically about why individuals meeting their matches say no to meeting again without fully understanding the reason them selves.
When you meet someone for the first time there is honestly so much expectation, even if you do not have massive numbers of requirements or a criteria list, the expectation individuals have always plays a factor in their meetings.
I’d like you to ask yourself, what do you want to see and feel when you meet someone? I can imagine there are a number of things but when you break it down it all comes down to comfort. You want to feel comfortable that the person you are meeting is a good match. I find only then do individuals relax and get to know someone more and register the conversations. But, how will you know this from just one meeting? Short answer – you can’t.
But, why won’t your match be their normal self in a first meeting?
When the average person prepares for a meeting, they often think, naturally, what will their match be like? But they will not usually think about how they project themselves. When I coach my clients, I advise for them to focus on certain topics and elaborate on them and discuss with their match to have a good understanding of each other’s view on a particular subject, rather than discuss a wide range of topics and leave the conversation confused. It’s best to be clear rather than give a variety of opinions and be misunderstood.
However, if you have not had any coaching this may not come into your mind.
During my years of communicating with my clients, I have found that when an individual meets a match for the first time, they want to see the side of the person who is relaxed and communicating with them as if they were speaking to their best friend.
This will not happen, as when someone meets you, most likely they (depending on their personality):
• Will automatically have a slight guard up towards you
• May tend to not elaborate on situations like they would normally or express opinions in the same way.
• Most likely only discuss certain topics which narrows chances of building rapport.
• Will overthink a lot during the conversation, taking everything in that you’re saying and how you come across, which leads to them being a little distracted and not their full self.
Basically, how your match is with their friends and family is not how they are going to be with you and vice versa. But that’s exactly what someone wants to see, the carefree, chatty and content person they may be around others.
Do you think by giving someone a chance, it’s wasting their time?
When you decide not to pursue that person after one meeting you should be able to point out exactly what are the reasons for saying no. Saying no to someone is perfectly valid and healthy is some situations. However, if your match meets half of your criteria then a second meeting is always advised to ensure yourself that you are making the right decision. There is no commitment required from you and it’s not only giving your match a second chance, it’s giving yourself a chance too.
You never want to look back in a year and wish you gave someone the benefit of doubt. Meet someone until you know for certain they are for you or they are not. If they are not for you, be content with your answer.
Most of the time individuals turn down an opportunity without really understanding the full picture.
Let’s look at it this way
You begin watching a new series on Netflix, and the main character appears, you may not like them at first or you may question them, but 5 or 6 episodes in they become more and more likable until they are your favourite character in the show. It’s odd to think of it in this way but equally effective, as you must invest your time to really see the potential in someone. Until you can actually fit the pieces together, how can you know if they are right for you? It’s way too soon to know for sure. Investing your time wisely is never a waste!
Of course, if you meet someone and it is extremely apparent that they are not for you due to major differences, that is a different matter. But what I am trying to showcase is the individuals that meet each other and have serious room for growth within their conversation but shut it down too soon before any progress can be made.
It all comes down to opening your mind that other people will be different. They’ll have different lifestyles, hobbies or interests and that doesn’t mean someone is not compatible with you. Compatibility is a feeling – it’s feeling comfortable, feeling like yourself and not having to hide your nature.
Compatibility is matching someone’s energy levels and making an equal amount of effort.
Compatibility is adjusting your life to fit someone else’s and respecting the other persons differences.
When you understand compatibility at its’s fullest, finding a partner is less about the paper criteria and more about meeting likeminded people, understanding their journey, appreciating differences and putting in the effort to increase with growth within the relationship. Managing your expectations can be as simple as not taking everything as face value within a first meeting, everything your match says, there’s most likely a story behind it, feelings and emotions that they will not share at this stage. If your partner is for life then what’s the rush or the harm in spending a little more time on someone before you made that final decision with no regrets.